Saturday, May 30, 2009

Beautiful Day

I don't know about you, but I looked outside and it looks beautiful.
My scale put me up 4 pounds (138.6) this morning from yesterday. Now I have physical proof that I cannot eat white flour or sugar.

I had a large breakfast because the scale also taught me that I need to retool my methods. My plan is to get back into actual meals and cut back on snacking.
Meal 1:
Half a cashew cookie Larabar:

And about 4 cups of organic strawberries from yesterday's farmer's market finds:
At noon, I plan to have a bowl of Amy's Organic Tomato Basil Soup (yum). For dinner, I will probably have a MorningStar Black bean burger on some Ezekiel with lettuce tomatoes and onions, and maybe some grapes on the side. Can't wait.

Short Tangent on Fashion
I was looking at the Dior (Spring '09) runway line on and...I love this dress. I love all of CD's clothing (almost), but this is a dress I could actually almost see myself wearing, which is not something I can often do looking at runway clothes.

Musings on Emotional Eating
If I am trying to feed my emotions (i.e. stress eat), sometimes when I look online and see fit people having fun, it makes me stop. I start to think about how I can have fun and feel good without stuffing my face. Emotional eating, I know, has really hurt me. For the longest time I have been on a binge/fast cycle: I would binge out of boredom, stress, etc and then I would spend the rest of the week fasting the weight off. I feel ashamed admitting this - I hate that my friends will comment that I am not eating enough or something of the like and "are you anorexic" when I know that 48 hours from then I will likely be stuffing my face with anything I can find. I know that eating too little is not healthy, nor is binge eating, and so I am trying to keep this blog up to hold myself accountable for these habits. I really have to drill it into my head that I cannot binge eat, eat too little, or eat something unhealthy because these are all triggers.
I never have been to a therapist, so I don't think I've ever had an eating disorder. However, I do remember when I was thirteen I went through a phase where all I ate was a leancuisine at night, and I exercised a lot. Looking back, I don't think that this was so much an eating disorder, but not understanding what dieting is. I grew up watching my parents diet like crazy and never lose weight, so I thought that to lose weight I had to do more. Little did I know, it was lack of exercise and secret binging that kept my parents from losing weight. It is true, bad habits to rub off on your children. When I have kids, I am never going to say the word "diet," but they will never taste refined sugar either.
Anyway, eating for me is so hard. Whenever I eat, I feel guilt. Whenever I don't eat, I feel guilty. Sometimes I wish I could just live off of a feeding tube and never have to worry.


  1. This is so sad, but I can absolutely relate to the wish for just being able to live off of a feeding tube. Food is an addiction for me. It's like being an alcoholic but having to drink every single day IN MODERATION for the rest of your life. It's terrible. Every meal can trigger a binge, and every day I just wish that I never had to deal with food again. I'm hoping that it gets better, and it has a little bit, but it's such a slow process (for me at least).

    Good luck with everything.

  2. Thank you so much for your comment,
    that is such a good comparison. I, too, feel addicted to food sometimes. The worst part is that if you are a recovering alcoholic, people are on your side, and often try not to drink around you, or make sure that they don't take you out to a bar. If you're addicted to food, people judge you for declining an invitation to a bakery for example.